In the Pursuit of Happiness…
And not just world domination. SO more media of old has been inspiring me to write. The second half of this story is about the pursuit of happiness and what that really means, or what it means to me. Are happiness and money directly related? Will having lots of money make me really happy? I don’t know. I mean money doesn’t buy happiness, but it can buy things, that can make you feel happy. Does that really make any difference in the long run?
I’ve been reading about Chris Gardener, the guy that the movie – The Pursuit of Happyness – is based on, it seems that making money may make you happy. I’ve also been reading the Steve Jobs biography and that man was RICH, but not very happy. So what is the answer? What will lead to long term happiness and how can I be happy and look after my family. Do I have to be rich, or at least stable, or is there something else?
The thing about happiness and the thing that I am beginning to come to grips with, is that it is a state of mind. It has nothing to do with stuff like money. It has to do with getting your head right. When your mind is right, you can be happy and other stuff will most likely fall in to place too. And if it doesn’t alway work out, but your mind is right, it won’t brake you down.
So, maybe this pursuit is not for happiness, but for peace. The Pursuit of Peace.
Peace is something that I seem never to have in my life. I have loads of things, but peace is not one of them. I have felt at peace, but it’s not been a feeling that has stuck with me. Peace just seems to evade me. I look into my wife’s eyes, or I see my little girl’s smile and I feel peace wash over me. I have a good ride and at the end of the day, I feel peaceful, but that peacefulness always seems to be something I’m looking for only a short while later.
Don’t let anybody tell you, you can’t do something. Somehow, some were: someone got it in my head that I couldn’t. I couldn’t be happy, I would fail in life, I would never truely find peace, and that has set out the path of my life. I fail, I don’t feel peace, I fail some more. But I am not a total failure. Look at my marriage and my daughter. Look at the lives of people I’ve helped.
Still I feel like I have failed again. No job, no hope for the life I was hoping to build, carrying on. The immanent move back to JoBurg, because I have failed.
I don’t want to leave KZN and go to JoBurg, or any place for that matter. I like it here, I mean it has problems, but JoBurg has problems, like the reminders all around that I am a constant disappointment. Somehow it reminds me of all the things I was meant to become, but didn’t. I am always reminded of how long it’s been since I was really proud of myself.
We thought about Germany, but that would put us further away from any support structure. Further away from family. You see, even though – playing the role of son-in-law – I get grief from my mom-in-law, I can’t seem to live with out her and Wolfgang anymore. I need them. I need my sister in my life. And all this realisation is because of Eliana. My little girl taught me to appreciate my family.
So maybe, what looks like failure, isn’t. Maybe I don’t need to feel bad, because I’ve learned something, and because I have the chance to fix some things. Then why can’t I feel positive about this? Why is it so dam hard to let go of all the pain I feel about loosing my life, to a new one? Why do I constantly wish I could catch a break, even when I have been given so many?
To be continued…